A cantor in yoga

I missed doing my blog last week, sorry about that.  I also missed teaching my Tuesday b’nai mitzvah students… sorry to them too!  Got that dreaded call from your babysitter with the kid screaming in the background.  My little one (my healthy child!!!) fell on a ride-on toy down the stairs at a friend’s house, needs to go to the ER to make sure all okay.  So much for work that day, and my sanity the rest of the week! 

The next day, before taking her to the ophthalmologist (all’s okay, just a bad bump and black eye, see pic), I managed to sneak in a run outside.  As I ran, I thought to myself, “wow Mia, this has been an interesting 6 months.”  Lena’s diagnosis, not to mention my dad’s cancer/ kidney failure, now Mikaela’s fall and various other stresses.  It’s amazing that I’m holding it all together.  Becoming a mom has made me stronger than I thought possible (cue the Kelly Clarkson in the background…)

But seriously, I’m not sure how I’ve kept my head.  I was trying to figure this out while running, then I realized that it WAS the exercise that has been helping me.  I’ve been practicing yoga for a little over a year at Sage Yoga in Armonk, as well as doing various cardio workouts like running, spinning, whatever, and trying to eat healthy food.  I may have little control over what happens health-wise to my kids, but I CAN control how I treat my own body.  And I have definitely felt the benefits of all the exercise, beyond feeling fairly prepared for bathing suit season this summer.

The body is a holy vessel, and the miracles of the body working are celebrated every morning in our liturgy.  The prayer asher yatzar speaks of how God formed the human body with skill, with pathways and openings, and that if any one of these were to malfunction, we’d be unable to live anymore.  The nisim b’chol yom (daily miracles) list the wonders we feel at awakening to physical life.  At our WRT clergy retreat yesterday, one of our new Rabbis, Marcus Burstein, led us in a physical practice of these daily miracles, using some yoga poses and some creative movements inspired by the theme of each blessing.  Sharing Shabbat families… can’t wait to share this kavannah with you in the coming year.

Practicing yoga has definitely been a growing experience for me.  I feel much more aware of how I move (I can even tell right from left now… most of the time), and I’m physically much stronger, more flexible, and I stand up straighter.  As a cantor, it’s been interesting for me to experience a new “spiritual” practice as well.  With all the Sanskrit names and chanting, I felt completely lost, giving me some insight into how non-Hebrew speakers may feel when the enter a synagogue for the first time.  This past week my teacher led a healing practice for her son who had unfortunately received a bad diagnosis.  We prayed for him by going through 25 sun salutations for his 25^th birthday the next day.  The meditation left me sore and emotional—at the same moment we were doing this my dad, who’s 75, was getting a chemotherapy treatment.  And my daughter, who’s 5, was having a rough day with her arthritis.  The practice seemed made for all of their healing, for the son we all held in our hearts and also my family members.  But how different from what kind of healing prayers I’m used to!!!   I’m still processing how to apply this to my Cantorate.  Ideas/ comments welcome of course!

Spark of the divine in all of us

I wanted to post this picture Lena drew of herself a few months ago.  The first image is how she felt when her arthritis was active.  The second image is how she feels now.  Our rheumatologist has this drawing hanging in her office to show other kids with arthritis.  :)  Lena has been such a trooper through everything, having the best attitude and never complaining (well at least since she started her immuno-suppressive therapy and can move again).  We are very proud of her and also very happy and relieved that she feels like the 2nd image that she drew.

A side note:  we'd just had a fabulous trip to Disney when she drew this picture, hence the Minnie Mouse ears and bow I think.

Being a parent involves so much more than I thought before becoming a mom.  Today we had Lena's special services meeting with our school district team to determine services for next year.  The meeting went really well in my opinion.  I consider myself lucky that we live in the Byram Hills school district and Lena will be cared for as well as she will be next year.

The meeting required numerous "pre-meetings," evaluations, discussions, etc, as any parent with a kid who receives services will know.  It can also be extremely emotional.  One mom I know confided in me that her husband cries at these meetings for their child every year.  I can understand why.  When you have a child your heart somehow lives outside your body!  And then to hear all the committee members discussing him or her and the deficits/ problems they have... it's incredibly hard.  There's also the line you want to walk with getting your child the services they need vs. letting them be as unrestricted and mainstreamed as possible.  Where that line is can be hard for everyone to agree on.  And then there's the difficulty that you have to label your child as a kid with a "disability".  Complicated on all fronts I think, though in Lena's case her services have more to do with supporting her physical development (not academic) and ability to navigate the school safely.

The Torah teaches us, in part of the "Holiness Code:"  "You shall not insult the deaf, or place a stumbling block before the blind.  You shall fear your God:  I am the Lord" (Leviticus 19:14).  I see this verse relating to how all of us treat other children with special needs.  I'm incredibly proud of Lena in how she has befriended kids of all sorts in preschool.  She has a friend who has some delays, and she told me that he doesn't talk very much so "it's okay, I just give him lots of hugs instead."  This I believe is part of Lena's character intrinsically, but it's also part of the Jewish values that we teach her.  People come in all shapes, sizes, and abilities.  All of us have a bit of God inside of us, and everyone deserves love, respect, and the ability to grow and thrive.  It's my hope that all of us, no matter in what circumstances we live, embrace the differences in the people around us, and let that spark of the divine in all of us shine forth.

Thoughts on ballet recitals and Lena's illness

It's been awhile since my last post...  apologies!

Saturday was Lena's ballet recital.  Our family had a special joy this year watching her dance, skip, twirl, and leap across the stage.  I think all of us there this weekend had tears in our eyes, thankful for this special moment in her and our lives.

 Five months ago Lena was lying in a hospital bed in NYC, in so much pain she was unable to move, on the second full week of fevers and a bizarre body-wide rash.  She seemed at that point to be getting worse and worse, unable even to turn over in bed or walk to the bathroom, getting sicker and sicker with the fevers.

It took about a week into her hospitalization for us to determine that this illness was the onset of systemic juvenile idiopathic arthritis-- SJIA.  Luckily we were at Columbia where the pediatric rheumatology department is excellent and they were able to diagnose her.  She soon started a biologic immune-suppressant drug which we inject in her arm daily (still... and for at least the near future), which has literally given her back her life.  I am so thankful to the doctors at Columbia, particularly to her rheumatologist Dr. Lisa Imundo, and to the Arthritis Foundation who funded and the scientists who created the medicine she is on.  Five or ten years ago her prognosis would definitely not have been so good, and we probably would not have been watching her dance so gleeful at the recital this weekend.

When I became a parent, I was expecting to feel an immense amount of love-- and I have, at times being completely overwhelmed by the emotion and the wonder of these little people who are my children.  But when Lena was sick I also discovered the flip side, the immense lows, the enormous amount of pain a parent can feel when your child is in pain, is so sick that you question if the future ahead of them is the one you had dreamed of until just that moment.  Back in December we weren't sure if Lena would walk, if she'd go back to school.  Thankfully she's doing so well you wouldn't even know that she has arthritis unless you looked VERY carefully.  Thankfully she has the most indomitable spirit of anyone I know.  She certainly bounced back from her 8-day hospital stay faster than either of her parents did.  :)

I would question, why did this happen to my family?  My daughter is the sweetest, most innocent, loving child-- how could she be the one ending up with a chronic debilitating disease?  I still don't know the answer to these questions.  But I have come to some sort of acceptance that not everything is under our control, or even under God's control.  Things happen-- genes/ nature/ randomness, whatever you want to call it.  God empowers us to have the strength to deal with life's situations the best we can, to love with our entire beings and to accept the truth that life is precious, short, and incredibly valuable.  It is our task as parents and human beings to be thankful for the time and the love that we have and to try to leave the world a better place for our having been here.

What's in a name?

I recently have been getting a lot of questions about baby names, and baby naming ceremonies.  Maybe this is just the time in my life when my friends are having babies and as the clergy person nearby, I'm a good person to ask!  Or maybe it's because I'm teaching a class on pregnancy, birth, bris and baby namings in a couple weeks (come if you are local to Scarsdale!).  So, how do you come up with a name for your child? (this isn't a picture of my child, by the way)

Ashkenazic Jews traditionally name in memory of relatives that have passed away.  This custom developed out of a superstition-- but I actually think that the idea of honoring the memory of a person whom you loved that is no longer with us is very sweet.  You connect your future with your past and the characteristics of the person you loved. Sephardic Jews, by the way, name after both living relatives and deceased relatives.

We used same first-letters and similar sounding names to name our girls after beloved grandparents.  Lena (Helena Beth) is named after Josh's grandmother Helen and my grandmother Betty.  Mikaela Benjie is after my great-uncle Mac and grandmother Clara (Kayla) and Josh's grandfather Benjamin.  I like to tell Lena stories about her great-grandmother, whom I was so close to growing up, and connect her to her maternal line.  She also loves that the engagement ring I wear belonged to her papa's mommy, whom she was named after!!  As they grow we can tell both of our girls about the relatives we loved, what we remember about them, and their qualities that we hope will continue on in our children.  We thought of parallel Hebrew names at the same time-- Chana Batya for Lena and Michaela Binyamina for Mikaela. 

Not everybody names in this way, though.  Often couples will give their child an English name and not a Hebrew one for years later.  They may keep the same "parallel" name (Rachel... Rakheil for example) or they may come up with something totally different, either honoring the memory of a deceased (perhaps newly) relative, or picking a quality of their child and giving them a meaningful Hebrew name.  One friend of mine named her daughter "B'racha" in Hebrew, which had nothing to do with her English name, but because she was a "blessing" to be born after the mom suffered from devastating miscarriages. Another waited until some grandparents had passed away, only then giving the child a name after relatives who had the blessing to have known her. 

However you think of your child's name, it's a big responsibility, something that they will carry around with them their whole life (if they don't change it on you!).  Looking for a Jewish baby name?  Check out this search feature on kveller.com:   http://kveller.com/jewish_baby_names/

Time Change

Since having kids, the annual "Fall back" time change just hasn't been the same.  There's no more "sleep in an extra hour before Sunday school!"  now it's:  "please go back to sleep, it's only 5am!!"  I still remember the Sunday morning when Lena was a baby.  I had to teach adult education all morning at WRT, and Lena decided to wake up at 4am that day.  I told the class, in my haze, that my baby didn't get the memo about setting the clocks back an hour.  It took her weeks to get back to her normal 5/5:30 wakeup routine.

Monday morning Lena ran in at 6am, saying "The juice box turned into a 7!!"  (for those of you who don't know what I'm talking about, apparently the 6 on her clock reminds her of a juice box, and she knows it's time to get up when it becomes a 7.  If she complies she gets a sticker on her chart every morning.  I've gradually been making her clock later and later to ease the morning transition... didn't help so much though).  I asked her, "did the juice box really turn into a 7? Go check." Apparently she's also learning how to lie, but that's the subject of another blog...

Time is a funny concept for little children.  Sometimes Lena seems to understand a minute, ten minutes, thirty minutes (FOREVER!!).  But the passing of time, and how to explain it to her continues to be a mystery most of the time.  We're going skiing when it starts to snow, after Thanksgiving.  Tom (the au pair) is staying until the spring, when Lena's birthday is.  I try to tie long-awaited things to something concrete that means something in her life. 

But what about more difficult things?  What if she's worried about Mommy and Daddy dying?  I would try to reassure her that Mommy and Daddy wouldn't die for a long, long, long time-- until she was all grown up and didn't need us anymore.  But what does a long long time mean to a 3.5 year old?  Until after her next birthday?  After Mikaela starts walking? 

It's astounding, time is fleeting
Madness takes its toll
But listen closely, not for very much longer
I've got to keep control...


Let's do the time warp again!! 

Here's to "Spring ahead" when we get that hour back...

Childcare, au pairs, and being a Reform Jewish family

A couple months ago we switched from having a nanny to an au pair.  Our nanny had been with us for three years and was terrific... but didn't drive, and it was becoming increasingly stressful for me to be working/ schlepping/ mothering/ etc.  I thought that an au pair was a good option for us because of the flexibility of hours, and we already had a room for a live-in, so why not?

It's been great so far, the girls love "Tom," our Thai au pair who's with us until the end of March.  The flexibility of schedule has indeed been great, and the hours are the right amount for our family.  Tom herself is delightful to be around, sweet and active with the kids, and a safe driver to boot.  Too bad she's only here for 6 months (usually an au pair is around for 12 months+ but she had already worked with another family for a year and is only "extending" with us).

The only bad part so far is that I'm already having to interview for our next au pair, tho I feel like I just finished training Tom!!  Talking to young women from around the world has been a really interesting experience.  It's sweet to hear their nervousness at speaking English and enthusiasm for the idea of spending a year in the United States.  Not all are right for our family, but it looks like we may have found our next au pair.

Invariably, I have to try to explain to the candidate about who our family is, and what Josh and I do-- this can be a challenge sometimes!  How do you explain to someone who knows nothing about Jews, or American Reform Jews, what it's like to be a Reform Rabbi/Cantor couple?  but as I continue with my interviews, I'm starting to get a better idea of what to say: "We are a modern Jewish family.  My husband is a rabbi, it's like a Jewish minister.  I'm a cantor, kind of like a minister of music in a church."  I want to tell the potential au pairs about how we are Jewish, yet very American-- religious, but not orthodox in our religion.  I tell them how we don't eat pork or shellfish in our house, but we do only have one set of dishes (contrary to what they may have heard about Jews).  Most importantly, I've started telling them what is important to us about being Jewish: we treat everyone with respect and love, we are active in our synagogues, we we study Judaism, we give tzedakkah (charity), we say prayers at home, and celebrate holidays with our family and in the synagogue.  Israel is very important to us.  The right au pair for us I think is one that is open-minded, possibly interested in learning about other religions, or at least tolerant of them.  Certainly willing to sit with the kids at Tot shabbat or other services while mommy or daddy are leading them!

Sometimes having to explain something so basic to me to someone who knows nothing about what I'm talking about helps me as well, to clarify what's important to me and what's important in someone who's taking care of my children.

Halloween

That holiday is coming up this weekend, the one that we don't talk about in Jewish preschools but that most of the kids eagerly await... Halloween!  Why don't we celebrate Halloween in Jewish preschools even though many American Jewish families dress up and go trick or treating every year?  Is it that different from the 4th of July, or Thanksgiving, real American holidays that we take as our own? 

The answer is in the origins of the holiday.  Thanksgiving and the 4th of July are secular holidays, and the values they espouse are ones we call our own-- freedom, thankfulness, etc.  Halloween, or "All Hallow's Eve," on the other hand, has pagan origins, and was later adopted by the Catholic church.  Jews don't believe in ghosts, goblins, or hauntings, and we also don't participate in any "idolatrous customs" (like devil worship, bowing to statues, etc.!).  So we don't celebrate Halloween, at least according to Jewish tradition.
But then why do so many Jews celebrate this holiday?  Most people, I believe, separate the make-believe, costume, free candy-seeking parts of Halloween from it's pagan spooky origins.  For most of us, it's about simple fun, and has nothing to do with the pagan origins of the holiday.

I have mixed feelings about it myself.  Lena loves make-believe and dressing up, and is VERY EXCITED (to put it mildly) about being able to wear her Ariel costume in public.  I also grew up going trick or treating every year, without giving it a second thought.  My general belief is that, as long as we don't participate in the scary, haunted aspects of the holiday and make it about fun, dressing up and candy, it's fine for our kids to trick or treat and have fun with our neighbors on October 31.  I don't want to be that crazy mom who ruins the fun for her kids.

But it's also hard to separate the fun from the scary.  I found that out at the Chappaqua Ragamuffin parade this past weekend, from which Lena came home early because she was so afraid of the witches and "steletons."  We told her it was all pretend and for fun, that the witches weren't "real witches," but she responded with great fright "except for the ones which ARE real!!!"  I know on Sunday night there will be neighbors of ours in scary costumes, that houses will be decorated over the top with music, steletons, and other scary things, and that WAY TOO late at night, kids that are WAY TOO old (and menacing!) will be ringing our doorbell repeatedly for their free candy handouts, while Lena quakes upstairs unable to get to sleep.

So what to do?  I actually bought a witch's hat for myself to wear so I can show Lena that it's all pretend.  We may trick or treat very early, just in our little court.  I'll probably bring most of the candy in to give to my well-prepared b'nei mitzvah students, or even better, donate it through our preschool association.  And when Purim comes around in the early spring we will find as many opportunities as we can to go out dressed in a happy, festive costume and to celebrate that Jewish masquerade holiday.