Mar Cheshvan: Please a little bit of normal would be nice

Hi there, reader, sorry I've been completely MIA...  haha.  Bad joke, sorry.  Actually I've been so busy with first the high holy days, then various personal things that I've just had too much to say on the blog to limit it to an idea for a post.  Like I don't even know where to start!!!

I remember thinking a couple weeks ago... things are busy and stressful but at least my childcare situation is stable.  Then 2 days later my au pair gave notice (by text message!!) that she wanted to find a new family so she could spent less time taking care of kids and more time studying English.  Great.

Then I remember thinking last week... things are busy and stressful but at least I'm not sick!  That would be worse.  Then Friday I came down with a bad cold.  Not to complain about a cold (it could be worse for sure) but it's hard to think and do anything with stuffy ears, sinuses, and dizziness.

So I'm not even going to think about what to be thankful for next because I'm too worried that the next shoe will drop!

Makes me grateful it's the Hebrew month of Cheshvan, the month that Jews call "Mar Cheshvan", the bitter month of Cheshvan, because there are no holidays during the month.  I prefer to think of it as a month of recovery, a month of returning to normalcy, after the extremely busy month of Tishrei (which includes Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur, Sukkot, and Simchat Torah).  Sometimes not having anything special going on, but just the regular things of life, is just what you need.

So my prayer is that this month of Cheshvan not be bitter... but a bit of blandness would be nice.  Normalcy of school/ work/ stability/ health.  Please.  I could really use a little bit of Cheshvan right now!!  Thanks.

I was so good... why did I get "punished" with a bad teacher this year?

I have to thank someone fabulous for this story about elementary school class placement.

Rachel** asked her mom:  "I was so good... why didn't I get the teacher I wanted?  Another girl who's always mean to her mom and isn't nice to the other kids, she got the teacher I wanted!!"  Rachel hugged her mom and broke into tears at the unfairness of it all.  The mom hesitated, not sure how to respond at first, but thought of something I think brilliant to say.  She told her daughter how the school thinks these things through very carefully, and that the other girl must have a strong need for this particular teacher-- that maybe the teacher would show her how to treat other people nicely, even her mom.  Rachel, already a terrific kid who knows these skills, would get something different from the other teacher.  The school had a grand plan worked out so that each student would have a growing experience with a teacher who would meet their particular needs.  And actually, Rachel's teacher is good, and the girls in her class would be terrific classmates and play mates for her!

I thought the mom's response was brilliant-- teaching her daughter that things work out even though sometimes it's not how we want them to right away.  And that things aren't exactly how they may seem when we first find out about them.  The other girl obviously needs to grow and learn how to be a good person-- so she was given an opportunity that Rachel wanted but didn't need.

Rachel felt like she was being unfairly punished, I think.  She had been a "good girl" so she should get the teacher she wants, right??  It was totally unfair!!  My short response (not as thoughtful as the mom's for sure) would have been "life's not fair!!  You've got to learn that at some point."

This got me thinking about fairness generally in the world.  After Lena's diagnosis, I could not believe how unfair it was.  My daughter is this sweet, innocent, "very good" girl, who completely doesn't deserve the "punishment" of life with rheumatoid arthritis.  In the real world outside of elementary school class placement and even B'nai mitzvah date assignments, things happen rather randomly.  That's not to say that I don't believe in God, I just don't believe that God controls which child gets a disease and which child doesn't depending on any kind of moral value of the kid or his/her parents.  God is there for us, supporting and comforting us as we handle things that befall us in our lives.  The God I believe in is a good, loving God-- not one who micromanages my life and the life of my family.  The choices I make are mine (free will!!). And whatever genes/ environmental factors that caused Lena's arthritis weren't controlled by God.

I'll leave the micromanaging to my school district.  And know that whatever kindergarten class Lena's in will be a great one for her because they take every child's needs into consideration and place them with the perfect teacher...  or just because she'll be fine regardless.  :)

** name changed

Thou shalt not... be a 'meanie'

At what age would you think you have to start dealing with "mean girl" stuff with kids?  For us the topic came up in the 4's (a little early I thought... but you gotta address it when they're thinking about it, right?)

One girl in Lena's preschool class started acting mean towards Lena... I'm not sure what she did.  But it changed Lena from wanting lots of play dates with her to coming home all upset that she had been mean to her.  How to best respond to this?

I told Lena that she shouldn't play with her if the other girl was being mean.  I definitely think that everyone should be able to choose their friends-- you don't have to be friends with everybody, especially if they don't treat you the way you want to be treated.  But that you always treat people nicely, so she shouldn't be mean back.  (whatever being mean "means" when you're 4 and 5).  The girl isn't going to kindergarten with Lena so I thought the whole thing was over, but when we saw her at a birthday party this weekend Lena got all upset again.  She wouldn't say hello to the girl and the girl was staring at her across the birthday cake table.  I felt a definite preview of middle school.

It reminded me of a great story that I told at a summer Tot Shabbat this past week.  After a long rainy day and then the sun peeking through I wanted to tell a Noah story, and found the perfect one in a little story book I have called Does God have a Big Toe? by Marc Gellman.  The story is about the birds nesting in Noah's ark, and how the brightly colored birds are mean to the black raven and the white dove.  The raven makes a choice to leave the ark and never come back-- not sharing that he found land with the other birds who are stuck on the ark.  When the dove is sent, she finds the raven but decides to brave the trip back to let everyone know that land has been sighted.  When they don't believe her she leaves the ark in tears, to seek proof of the land-- an olive leaf.  The other birds finally think again about their bad behavior, forming a brightly colored bird-rainbow to guide the dove back to the ark.

A great story about choosing to do the right thing and treat others how you would be treated.  The brightly colored birds have a chance to make t'shuvah-- to repent, say they're sorry, and then do the right thing the next time.  They stop being "meanies" and put themselves in the other birds' place.  What a great way for kids to begin to think about how the other kid might be feeling, the beginning of empathy (which so many of us adults have trouble with too).

A day in the life of Mommy/ Cantor Mia

I found today to be rather comical in how much stuff I did as Mommy/ Cantor Mia.  Hope this makes you smile too in its insanity.  

5:45 am  Lena comes in to our bedroom.  Josh sends her back to bed then goes to work on Rosh Hashanah sermon in his study.  He has to go back to work today after a 3 month sabbatical  :(  :(

6:15  Mikaela starts crying... not sure why but she wants out of her crib.  Mommy gets up, makes a cup of coffee and gets her up.  Lena gets up too.

6:30  It's "princess dress-up day" at camp so we all go down to the play room and select the best princess outfit for camp.  Lena goes thru multiple changes, Mikaela too (this leads to crying later when she discovers princess day is only at Lena's camp and not hers!!).  Mommy still nursing a cup of coffee.  Lena chooses "Rapunzel" costume-- so did a couple other friends apparently (see photo!).

6:45  Breakfast/ get dressed for camp/ potty time/ Lena's arthritis shot/ Mommy has 2nd cup of coffee, running around making sure all is ready for the day for the girls.  Thankfully Mommy packed backpacks last night!

8 Au pair comes up stairs!  Thank you for our au pair!!!  She does sunscreen and final camp prep for girls while Mommy goes for a half hour run outside.



8:40  Stretches for Lena and Mommy (Mikaela tries too).  Off to the JCC with Mikaela.  Bus comes for Princess Lena.

9 drop off Mikaela at JCC, run into friend who says she's pregnant with her 3rd.  I know a 3rd kid will throw me over the edge... but I still feel that twinge.  Go away twinge!!!

9:30 found time for a shower and breakfast for me.  Make ophthalmologist appointment for Mikaela for tomorrow.  Call to check in on Dad who had 5th chemo session this week (he's doing great thankfully!). Get dressed for work, 3rd cup of coffee on way to...

11-4:45  Cantor Mia has marathon Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur cue meeting with wonderful WRT colleagues.  At around 4:15 completely lose it and need 4th cup of coffee... get chocolate instead.  Good thing went for a run this morning.

(5pm au pair takes girls to Caramour for an au pair event... Mommy has already organized picnic lunch/ blanket/ money/ directions/ etc.)

5:11 write this blog, catch up on phone calls

6:30-7:30 Cantor Mia meets and greets with b'nai mitzvah families.  Mommy hopes to get home before kids go to bed tonight because Mommy worked late last night and when that happens kids always get up too early (see 5:45 am this morning)

8pm I'm projecting this because it's 5:13 while I'm typing: Say goodnight to girls, get glass of wine and fall down on couch to watch olympics.  Hope Josh has some idea about dinner because I don't have it in me today!  I think I was supposed to meet friends for drinks tonight...  hmm.

Summer Camp!

Everything has been so lazy lately... I love summertime.  Always have loved summer, even when I was a girl it was my favorite season!  I love the heat, the swimming, the relaxing time off... and especially CAMP.


I grew up going to a Jewish overnight camp called Capital Camps which was fed largely by Washington DC-area Jews.  I LIVED for going to this camp every summer.  I loved the music, the friends, being on my own, and tho I didn't know it until later, the "living Judaism" part of camp.  By this I mean the Hebrew songs and names of buildings/ activites/ etc that taught me an immense amount of Hebrew without my stepping foot into a classroom.  I loved the week shaped by Shabbat, how we set the day aside from the rest of the week as a holy day-- we all wore white, had special fun services outdoors, and spent much of Saturday relaxing by the pool.  I credit my camp experience with putting me on the path to Jewish leadership which I am following today.

Lena, at 5, is going to a real day camp for the first summer.  Today was visiting day and I enjoyed so much seeing how she spends her time outside at the camp, learning to swim, watching rockets filed with "squinkies" being launched into the sky... eating on picnic benches under the trees for cookout.  During this cookout, I looked over and some kids were having cheese sandwiches instead of hamburgers and hotdogs.  I startled for a second, thinking-- how at camp could they be mixing milk and meat????  Then of course I reminded myself that this wasn't a Jewish camp.  Oops!  :)

When the time comes to choose Lena's overnight camp (if I can be apart from her for that long!!!) there's no doubt in my mind tho that she'll go to a Jewish camp, most likely one of the URJ (Union for Reform Judaism) camps like Camp Eisner in the Berkshires.  Perhaps even next summer our family will go and volunteer for a few weeks to give her and Mikaela a taste of Jewish overnight camp.  After all, their parents met at another URJ camp-- Kutz Camp-- 11 summers ago.  I'm not concerned about my kids' Jewish identities (kids of a rabbi and a cantor!) but I don't want either of them to miss the Jewish camp experience either.

If you're thinking of a camp for your child consider one of the Reform Movement's camps-- or any other Jewish camp-- and consider it an investment your child's Jewish future. Even if they don't turn out to be a rabbi or a cantor, you'll help them create a positive Jewish identity and have a great time doing it.

A cantor in yoga

I missed doing my blog last week, sorry about that.  I also missed teaching my Tuesday b’nai mitzvah students… sorry to them too!  Got that dreaded call from your babysitter with the kid screaming in the background.  My little one (my healthy child!!!) fell on a ride-on toy down the stairs at a friend’s house, needs to go to the ER to make sure all okay.  So much for work that day, and my sanity the rest of the week! 

The next day, before taking her to the ophthalmologist (all’s okay, just a bad bump and black eye, see pic), I managed to sneak in a run outside.  As I ran, I thought to myself, “wow Mia, this has been an interesting 6 months.”  Lena’s diagnosis, not to mention my dad’s cancer/ kidney failure, now Mikaela’s fall and various other stresses.  It’s amazing that I’m holding it all together.  Becoming a mom has made me stronger than I thought possible (cue the Kelly Clarkson in the background…)

But seriously, I’m not sure how I’ve kept my head.  I was trying to figure this out while running, then I realized that it WAS the exercise that has been helping me.  I’ve been practicing yoga for a little over a year at Sage Yoga in Armonk, as well as doing various cardio workouts like running, spinning, whatever, and trying to eat healthy food.  I may have little control over what happens health-wise to my kids, but I CAN control how I treat my own body.  And I have definitely felt the benefits of all the exercise, beyond feeling fairly prepared for bathing suit season this summer.

The body is a holy vessel, and the miracles of the body working are celebrated every morning in our liturgy.  The prayer asher yatzar speaks of how God formed the human body with skill, with pathways and openings, and that if any one of these were to malfunction, we’d be unable to live anymore.  The nisim b’chol yom (daily miracles) list the wonders we feel at awakening to physical life.  At our WRT clergy retreat yesterday, one of our new Rabbis, Marcus Burstein, led us in a physical practice of these daily miracles, using some yoga poses and some creative movements inspired by the theme of each blessing.  Sharing Shabbat families… can’t wait to share this kavannah with you in the coming year.

Practicing yoga has definitely been a growing experience for me.  I feel much more aware of how I move (I can even tell right from left now… most of the time), and I’m physically much stronger, more flexible, and I stand up straighter.  As a cantor, it’s been interesting for me to experience a new “spiritual” practice as well.  With all the Sanskrit names and chanting, I felt completely lost, giving me some insight into how non-Hebrew speakers may feel when the enter a synagogue for the first time.  This past week my teacher led a healing practice for her son who had unfortunately received a bad diagnosis.  We prayed for him by going through 25 sun salutations for his 25^th birthday the next day.  The meditation left me sore and emotional—at the same moment we were doing this my dad, who’s 75, was getting a chemotherapy treatment.  And my daughter, who’s 5, was having a rough day with her arthritis.  The practice seemed made for all of their healing, for the son we all held in our hearts and also my family members.  But how different from what kind of healing prayers I’m used to!!!   I’m still processing how to apply this to my Cantorate.  Ideas/ comments welcome of course!

Spark of the divine in all of us

I wanted to post this picture Lena drew of herself a few months ago.  The first image is how she felt when her arthritis was active.  The second image is how she feels now.  Our rheumatologist has this drawing hanging in her office to show other kids with arthritis.  :)  Lena has been such a trooper through everything, having the best attitude and never complaining (well at least since she started her immuno-suppressive therapy and can move again).  We are very proud of her and also very happy and relieved that she feels like the 2nd image that she drew.

A side note:  we'd just had a fabulous trip to Disney when she drew this picture, hence the Minnie Mouse ears and bow I think.

Being a parent involves so much more than I thought before becoming a mom.  Today we had Lena's special services meeting with our school district team to determine services for next year.  The meeting went really well in my opinion.  I consider myself lucky that we live in the Byram Hills school district and Lena will be cared for as well as she will be next year.

The meeting required numerous "pre-meetings," evaluations, discussions, etc, as any parent with a kid who receives services will know.  It can also be extremely emotional.  One mom I know confided in me that her husband cries at these meetings for their child every year.  I can understand why.  When you have a child your heart somehow lives outside your body!  And then to hear all the committee members discussing him or her and the deficits/ problems they have... it's incredibly hard.  There's also the line you want to walk with getting your child the services they need vs. letting them be as unrestricted and mainstreamed as possible.  Where that line is can be hard for everyone to agree on.  And then there's the difficulty that you have to label your child as a kid with a "disability".  Complicated on all fronts I think, though in Lena's case her services have more to do with supporting her physical development (not academic) and ability to navigate the school safely.

The Torah teaches us, in part of the "Holiness Code:"  "You shall not insult the deaf, or place a stumbling block before the blind.  You shall fear your God:  I am the Lord" (Leviticus 19:14).  I see this verse relating to how all of us treat other children with special needs.  I'm incredibly proud of Lena in how she has befriended kids of all sorts in preschool.  She has a friend who has some delays, and she told me that he doesn't talk very much so "it's okay, I just give him lots of hugs instead."  This I believe is part of Lena's character intrinsically, but it's also part of the Jewish values that we teach her.  People come in all shapes, sizes, and abilities.  All of us have a bit of God inside of us, and everyone deserves love, respect, and the ability to grow and thrive.  It's my hope that all of us, no matter in what circumstances we live, embrace the differences in the people around us, and let that spark of the divine in all of us shine forth.

Thoughts on ballet recitals and Lena's illness

It's been awhile since my last post...  apologies!

Saturday was Lena's ballet recital.  Our family had a special joy this year watching her dance, skip, twirl, and leap across the stage.  I think all of us there this weekend had tears in our eyes, thankful for this special moment in her and our lives.

 Five months ago Lena was lying in a hospital bed in NYC, in so much pain she was unable to move, on the second full week of fevers and a bizarre body-wide rash.  She seemed at that point to be getting worse and worse, unable even to turn over in bed or walk to the bathroom, getting sicker and sicker with the fevers.

It took about a week into her hospitalization for us to determine that this illness was the onset of systemic juvenile idiopathic arthritis-- SJIA.  Luckily we were at Columbia where the pediatric rheumatology department is excellent and they were able to diagnose her.  She soon started a biologic immune-suppressant drug which we inject in her arm daily (still... and for at least the near future), which has literally given her back her life.  I am so thankful to the doctors at Columbia, particularly to her rheumatologist Dr. Lisa Imundo, and to the Arthritis Foundation who funded and the scientists who created the medicine she is on.  Five or ten years ago her prognosis would definitely not have been so good, and we probably would not have been watching her dance so gleeful at the recital this weekend.

When I became a parent, I was expecting to feel an immense amount of love-- and I have, at times being completely overwhelmed by the emotion and the wonder of these little people who are my children.  But when Lena was sick I also discovered the flip side, the immense lows, the enormous amount of pain a parent can feel when your child is in pain, is so sick that you question if the future ahead of them is the one you had dreamed of until just that moment.  Back in December we weren't sure if Lena would walk, if she'd go back to school.  Thankfully she's doing so well you wouldn't even know that she has arthritis unless you looked VERY carefully.  Thankfully she has the most indomitable spirit of anyone I know.  She certainly bounced back from her 8-day hospital stay faster than either of her parents did.  :)

I would question, why did this happen to my family?  My daughter is the sweetest, most innocent, loving child-- how could she be the one ending up with a chronic debilitating disease?  I still don't know the answer to these questions.  But I have come to some sort of acceptance that not everything is under our control, or even under God's control.  Things happen-- genes/ nature/ randomness, whatever you want to call it.  God empowers us to have the strength to deal with life's situations the best we can, to love with our entire beings and to accept the truth that life is precious, short, and incredibly valuable.  It is our task as parents and human beings to be thankful for the time and the love that we have and to try to leave the world a better place for our having been here.