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Happy New Year!!

On this last day of 2013, I want to wish all of my readers a very happy secular new year.  A few wishes for the year ahead:

May your year be one of blessing-- for you and for everyone you love.

May your year be one of health-- may you and everyone you love be released from suffering and pain, especially if any of those that you are praying for are children.

May your year be one of professional success and fulfillment.

May your year be one of personal growth, relaxation, and time to savor special moments.

Let 2014 be a year when our children thrive, our families and friends prosper, and people around the world are released from suffering.

And if I can sleep an extra hour each night that would be great too.

AMEN!

Josh's Installation at Emanu-El

A week ago tonight, I had the honor of singing on the bima of Temple Emanu-El of the City of New York, and of blessing my husband Rabbi Joshua Davidson at the ark as he officially assumed the mantle of leadership of this great historic synagogue.  Thank you so much to the great Cantor Lori Corrsin for her graciousness and welcome, and also for arranging both the duet we sang together and the blessing I sang at the ark.

The night before the installation, I started having dizzy spells-- thankfully my parents were in town and they put Lena and Mikaela to bed for me!  I wondered why this was happening to me?  I was truly excited to see family and friends who came to celebrate with us from around the country, and had practiced my music enough that I felt very comfortable singing it.  There were a few reasons that I could think of:

First-- the ceremony in a way formalized and consecrated our relationship to Emanu-El and NYC in a way almost like a wedding does for a married couple.  In front of our community, Josh officially became the new rabbi.  We are invested, one in the other, for the long term, no more engagement!  His accepting the Torah from Rabbi David Posner symbolically showed everyone that things have changed-- both for the synagogue's leadership and for our family.  Our move to the city, I feel, now has a holiness and purpose to it that was shown in the ritual last Shabbat.

As I mentioned, friends and family gathered from around the country to be with us.  The last time this happened was....  you guessed it, our wedding ten years ago.  The evening (and the whole weekend, actually, ending with a Sunday brunch!) evoked a kind of "this is
your life" feel in me.  Looking out at the sea of people and recognizing my friends from high school to the present, congregants from Westchester Reform Temple and Beth El of Chappaqua, NY, and especially Josh's college roommates made a real impact on me.  What a joy to have such a cause to celebrate-- and thank you to everyone who came and increased our joy through your presence.

The girls incidentally were NOT there.  :)  They were home with our terrific au pair.  They did join for dinner Saturday night (Mikaela fell asleep on my lap!) and brunch on Sunday.  But I didn't think they would last through 10 minutes of the two hour service, and I didn't want to be distracted by worrying about them.  Sometimes the best thing you can do as a mom is to get a babysitter...  :)

Lastly, the most meaningful moment of the whole night was the blessing at the ark, that moment right after Josh received the Torah when my father-in-law, Rabbi Jerry Davidson, and I had the opportunity to bless Josh.  When I became a cantor in 2007, Josh and Jerry blessed me in that same spot-- and here I was, 6.5 years later blessing my husband.  I was overcome with emotion and the moment.

We are officially part of NYC!  More adventures to come... 

Thanksgivvukah!!

Much has been said about this holiday coming up next week.  I'm not a statistics person-- but it seems from all the graphs that have been put out there on the internet lately that this is certainly a once-in-a-lifetime experience of the convergence of Hannukah and Thanksgiving.  I for one am excited about celebrating the holidays together.  A few thoughts on why:

1.  We are together with Josh's family for Thanksgiving-- now we are together also for many nights of Hannukah  (unfortunately not my family... will miss you Mom and Dad! Will see you on the 8th night).  Holidays are all about family togetherness, and now we can light the menorah together and celebrate the miracle of having some relaxing time away.  We will be close to the Wampanoag land this year for Thanksgiving, too, a cool little coincidence.

2.  The Turkey-Menorah.  I'm so upset that I didn't make it up to the Jewish Museum to get one before they sold out!  A real collector's item and a funny, artistic way of celebrating the holidays.

3.  Sweet potato Latkes.  Needs no explanation.

4.  The themes of Hannukah and Thanksgiving mesh well for me.  Both are home holidays rich with family traditions.  Their origins are both about healing and celebration after a battle for survival, about giving thanks for the miracle of being on this land.  Maybe we'll spin our Israeli dreidls this Thanksgiving-- "Nes gadol haya PO" (a great miracle happened HERE, normally found in Israel) instead of the usual American "Nes gadol haya SHAM" (a great miracle happened THERE).

5.  Hannukah this year doesn't have to compete with Christmas.  Except that the Christmas stuff went up in all the stores right after Halloween.  Hannukah in no ways can compare to the grandeur and hugeness of Christmas.  And this year it's so early that our kids will have forgotten all about it once Christmas actually rolls around.  But more about the "December Dilemma" in another blog.

Enjoy your deep-fried turkeys and pumpkin suvganiyot!!

Post- Halloween thoughts

On my floor of my apartment building in NYC, there are actually four Jewish clergy.  My husband and me, and directly on the other side, two rabbis who are married to each other.   The only two apartments decorated for Halloween on our floor....  ours and theirs.  Strange?  Perhaps.  (see pic below of our door, designed by our girls and our fabulous au pair).

I grew up celebrating Halloween, trick or treating in my neighborhood and wearing costumes.  It would never have occurred to me as a child that this was something strange for a Jewish kid to do.  But other people I now know did not trick or treat--  that's "what the goyim do."  The more traditional the Jewish family is, the less likely it is that they will celebrate Halloween.  Why is this?

Jewish law allows us to adopt customs of the land in which we live when they are for reasons of honor (such as wearing a uniform if you are in the fire department) or if they fit with Jewish values (Thanksgiving).  But holidays of Pagan/ Catholic origin that include supernatural beings do not fall into that category.  Maybe dressing up as a devil could lead to idol or devil worship?  I suppose that is a risk, though I don't think that's what Lena (my six year old) had in mind when she designed her "Spooky Cinderella" costume this year.

Do your kids like dressing up?  For mine, dressing up is an essential part of play.  When Lena was younger I had to bring a costume with me to play dates just in case they didn't have dress-up there.  If she couldn't wear a costume during the play date, we would have to go home, she'd be so upset.  We do have a Jewish holiday for dressing up-- Purim!  This masquerade holiday, usually in late winter, differs from Halloween in that we wear happy costumes and tell the story of Queen Esther, Mordechai, and King Ahashuerus, reenacting the comedic drama of how Esther saved the Jews of Shushan from the evil Haman.

Spirits, zombies, witches, exorcism, monsters... these are all part of our Jewish tradition as well.  I believe the ancients had to explain the unexplainable in some way-- things that we modernists would understand as being scientific, or matters of the brain, were understood as the work of spirits or demons.  With infant mortality rates very high, and childbirth a dangerous process, procreation was regarded with fear and awe-- leading to many superstitions surrounding it and a mystic awe at humanity's divine-like power to procreate.

So maybe next year I'll dress up as the legend of the Golem of Prague-- the man the Maharal created out of dirt to protect the Jews.  This legend was so well known that it was written about by Jakob Grimm (of fairy-tale fame) and also was the basis of the Frankenstein monster.  Maybe next year I won't raid my kids candy either!!

Dinner with the Mayor

I wish I had a picture of the two of us to post here... but alas, none were taken.  So you'll have to take my word for it about the evening!

My husband and I were invited to dinner by Reverend Dr. Calvin O. Butts, III, who is the senior pastor at Abyssinian Baptist Church in the City of New York, and is also the President of the State University of New York College at Old Westbury.  As the senior rabbi of Congregation Emanu-El of the City of New York, Josh reached out to Dr. Butts to begin a relationship-- which resulted in our invitation by him and his wife to the President's House at SUNY Old Westbury, along with Mayor Bloomberg, his longtime partner, and four other guests, to dinner last week.  Reverend Butts is also going to be speaking at Emanu-El on the Friday night of Martin Luther King, Jr. weekend (I will be at Westchester Reform Temple that night celebrating the weekend with the pastor and choir from our neighboring Great Centennial AME Zion Church in Mt. Vernon, NY).

The Reverend and his wife were incredibly gracious, and the dinner intimate and lively.  We spoke about many topics-- the city mayoral election, Citi bikes, the Mayor's plans for the future after his term ends January 1st (vacation, then taking the presidency of a consortium of the largest cities in the world), a new city golf course in the Bronx, business policy, the Mayor's daughters' love of horseback riding, and the meaning of the shofar.  My husband brought Dr. Butts a shofar as a gift.

A very exciting evening, and a late night-- we got home after midnight, very late for us since having our girls!!  I read the paper for weeks before attending the dinner, and even polled my Facebook friends for possible conversation topics beforehand.  I didn't need to worry, as the Mayor was loquacious and other guests asked him many questions.  I would say that I spoke little, smiled a lot, and tried not to engage in conversation topics I knew very little about.  The Mayor is probably one of the smartest people I've met, warm, engaging, and incredibly knowledgeable.  I got the sense that his leadership of the city the past twelve years, including many of his more controversial initiatives, come from Jewish values and a love for the people of New York City, with a vision toward the future that eludes many today.

Since I had my girls, I often complain that I used to be smart.  Pregnancy brain has faded somewhat... but not entirely.  My brain can only tackle so much at once, and with two children, not to mention a career, the amount of brain space left for current events and miscellany has decreased substantially.  Evolutionarily I believe this makes sense, as I must care for my own children and their many needs, if they are to survive and thrive.  However, this can make dinner parties a challenge!!  So I suppose it makes sense that when I did speak to the dinner party, it was about my girls, and a bit about my work.

Mayor Bloomberg asked me how our family has adjusted to living in the great city of New York.  My response: how lovely it has been to go to Central Park with Mikaela after nursery school with her new friends and their moms, how much I enjoy the walking and ease of everything.  I told him about Lena's "Top Ten list of things she DOES like about New York," and tried not to offend him too much that she'd rather still live in the suburbs.  He even chuckled that her favorites are the American Girl Doll Place, hot dog stands, and the Lipstick Building on 3rd Ave.  He wondered if she knew who used to work there!  (Bernie Madof...).  When we left at the end of the evening, he told me that if he ever needed a cantor in Westchester he would call me.  :)

Reading together

According to her teachers, Lena has been reading since sometime in Kindergarten.  At her conferences, they told me her reading group, and I knew she was writing some because I saw the work coming home.  But would she read for me?  NO.  nothing.  Not a street sign, not a word from her books.

Last year at our suburban public school, Lena had packets of homework every week.  Mostly handwriting, some cut and paste syllable, vocabulary type worksheets.  At 5, she had little interest in doing any of the homework, procrastinated and took a terribly long time doing it, and generally fighting with Mommy over getting it done.  (I ended up delegating homework supervision to our au pair... worked beautifully, just like having the au pair potty train my girls did!  Sometimes it's easier not to have the power struggle). 

I didn't think the kind of homework that Lena was getting last year was developmentally appropriate.  Why should my 5 year old be spending after school time doing workshe
ets and handwriting sheets when she'd just spent the last six hours doing the same thing?  She needed to move, to play, to RELAX.  To be with her sister with no plans (note sister cuteness in the matching picture in this blog!)

This year, at our NYC private Jewish day school, the first graders just got their first homework assignment (no homework in kindergarten there).  Every night, the kids are to read with their parents.  Book is up to us-- who reads is up to us-- but we just have to participate, and sign that we read every night.  The kids pick the book, write the title on their sheet, and decide on a WOW word (from what I can ascertain, this is just a word that they like??).  Lena and her friend from her class were SO EXCITED to begin their homework, reading together and discussing what their WOW words would be.  I worried that I would have to battle Lena to get her to read to me.  Then...

Mikaela was in bed and Lena pulled out a book and decided to read to her.  So sweet.  The book she picked was simple, with mostly the same words on each page, with just a few changing.  She figured out the new words on each page and read out loud to both of us, remembering to show her little sister the pictures as she finished each page.  I'm looking forward to her homework now each night.   And Lena loves her assignments too.  Isn't this what being 6-years-old is about?? 

Sharing Shabbat

Last fall I began my leadership of Sharing Shabbat at Westchester Reform Temple-- a Saturday morning family Shabbat service/ religious school/ adult parallel learning experience.  Following in the footsteps of cantorial greats such as Ellen Dreskin, Angela Buchdahl, and Dan Sklar, I now lead this group of Saturday regulars who come casually, snuggling with their kids, to pray and learn each week. What a privilege!

Of course I also bring my kids with me whenever I can-- Lena sometimes brings a chair right next to the pulpit so she can sit with her mommy too, just like everyone else does.  I do my best to watch her/ give her hugs when I can while also leading the service.  Multi-tasking in the extreme!  When Mikaela comes also I have my au pair with me or dedicated teenagers for them--two would be too much to manage and also lead with any intention.  I love that my girls know the prayer melodies, I love that they have temple friends they look forward to seeing each Saturday.  I know their favorite part is the oneg (food after the service), but that's okay with me too.

This past Saturday night we had a Sharing Shabbat adults-only havdalah and dinner.  As I introduced my husband to people (he also leads services on Saturday mornings and can't come with us to Sharing Shabbat) I realized how long I have known many of the people there.  Four of us were together in a toddler class years ago with our now 1st graders.  I named a few of the children, and had discussed with many of the adults their professions and outside interests.  How lovely it was to reconnect with these friends and begin to get to know some new people too, all without children pulling on us during the oneg time!

These type of connections with people are what drives my work as a cantor.  I hope to infuse people's lives with connections to Judaism, to each other in holy community, and through that to the Eternal.  

If you live in Westchester, whether or not you currently belong to Westchester Reform Temple or to Sharing Shabbat, join us with your family any Saturday morning at 9am in the Center for Jewish Life (pictured).  We all look forward to welcoming you!!

Some thoughts "early" holidays

The end of the holiday cycle is here...  Sukkot's 8th day (if you celebrate the extra day)/ Simchat Torah.  And now, SHABBAT!

So much has been said of the calendar this year.  Most people in shock that Rosh Hashanah began the Wednesday after Labor Day.  And, upcoming in November-- Thanksgiv-ukkah.  The first night of Hannukah and Thanksgiving happening the same day.  Apparently the only time in history that this could possibly happen.  We're going to have deep fried turkey nuggets for the girls!  But that's another blog to come.

For us clergy, the early holidays require some earlier prep, but I find them to be slightly easier than "late" holidays (of course, Rosh Hashanah always come "on time"- on the 1st day of the Hebrew month of Tishrei!).  When holidays are early, we are spared what I had last year, which was the opening day of Sharing Shabbat, in an orchard, with no microphone, the day before singing before a couple thousand congregants in a white robe.  The opening days of  Sharing Shabbat this year are mercifully after the holidays have completed, allowing me to focus my energies on one at a time.

The more interesting part of these holidays though, are the days of the week on which they fall.  Wednesday night-Thursday Rosh Hashanah = Shabbat Yom Kippur (longer liturgy... reading the red "Szechuan menu" sections too).  But it also = Wed night/ Thursday Sukkot and Wed night/ Thursday Simchat Torah.  + Friday night/ Saturday Shabbat.  And for conservative Jews out there, that's chag (holiday) for 4 days in a row... 3 times in one month.  And for day school parents like us, very little school for our kids. 

Sorry for all the math, don't lose me here...

Four days in a row of holidays/ shabbat can be amazing-- cessation from work, lots of time at synagogue... (it can be slightly overwhelming for people leading services).  Also it makes getting into a routine and getting work done hard for all o
f us.  How can we get work done if we don't email multiple days in the week and not just on Shabbat?  And do we, in the New York area, need to put an away message up for Shabbat and holidays?  Or do people not expect emails back, even tho they send them, on these holy days?  What does it mean for us to rest on the holidays and Shabbat given the busy lives we lead today?

Last night we went with friends to the Park Avenue Synagogue in Manhattan with the girls to celebrate Simchat Torah.  The music was loud, rhythmic, fun-- the Hakafot (processions with the Torah) celebratory, and the room was packed with kids.  Halfway through blue and white balloons even fell from the ceiling!  I kvelled to see Mikaela kissing the Torah as each one passed.  And I enjoyed meeting new people and seeing old friends there.  We sat as a family (very rare for us) and celebrated the joy of the holiday.  Was it restful?  Not so much.  But hopefully my girls will remember the ruach (spirit) and the family togetherness inside the balagan (craziness) of Simchat Torah and this time of year in general. 

Next week begins the Hebrew month of Cheshvan.  Looking forward to some quiet and full weeks of school for my kids!

Can the tooth fairy get past our doorman?

Ah, the tooth fairy!!  No, we don't believe in Santa Claus in our house... but the tooth fairy remains part of the reality of our family's life.  Lena is in first grade now, and has lost a total of 7 teeth. The previous six had been in Armonk, where the tooth fairy faithfully came during the night and replaced a precious baby tooth with a few dollar bills.  Well, faithfully except for that night that Mommy and Daddy forgot to leave the door unlocked and the tooth fairy couldn't come in!!  When we discovered our mistake in the morning (big whoops...) Mommy and Daddy were very upset with the tooth fairy, until we found a letter for Lena from her in the mailbox!!!  She came and took the tooth the next night.  Tooth fairy perseveres! 

 This past week Lena came home from school with a tooth necklace around her neck, and prepared a letter for the tooth fairy and put the necklace under her pillow.  Though exhausted, she tossed and turned until around 9pm.  I asked her what was wrong, and she said she didn't think that the doorman downstairs would let the tooth fairy up to our apartment!  She wouldn't be able to get in to take Lena's tooth that evening!!  So what did Mommy do?  I called the doorman of course and gave permission for him to let in the tooth fairy that night up to our apartment!  Soon Lena fell fast asleep, comforted that all would be well, and when she awoke she had a hand-written letter from the tooth fairy and a few dollars.  Phew!  I guess we can figure anything out in the city?

This sweet evening caused many smiles amongst my family and friends-- sweet Lena, still believing in the tooth fairy, and anxious about her new surroundings and if the tooth fairy could find her/ be let into the building!  It got me thinking about the power of belief and faith in our lives.  We ask our children to believe in all sorts of things-- the tooth fairy, Santa Claus, the Easter bunny, that the princesses in Disney World are really the same ones in the animated movies-- while often having trouble believing in much ourselves.  Do we ask them to believe in God?  What is the God that we want them to believe in like?  And how can we translate what we believe (or don't believe) about God to something understandable to the trusting little people in our lives. 

Similes and metaphors can help-- God is like love-- you can't see love, but you sure can feel it and know it's there.  God is also like the wind, invisible to us but clear in its effects on the world.  Just like the wind moves the trees, God moves good people in the world to make the world a better place.

Sometimes also just being a loving, consistent presence in your child's life tho can help them with belief.  They believe in YOU and your love and faith in them.  That belief goes a long way into creating a wonderful, loving human being.

I'm baaaaaack... some thoughts about our move to NYC

Hi everyone,
   I'm back to blogging.  It's been a while.  I know.  I'm sorry.  S'licha!!!!!  Things have been very busy for me and my family.
    At the beginning of March, my husband was offered the position of Senior Rabbi of Congregation Emanu-El of the City of New York, an amazing opportunity for him and our whole family.  He accepted and we began our transition into New York City from the suburbs.  The transition involved a lot of getting rid of things-- selling two cars, furniture and smaller items (thank you Facebook and Chappaqua Moms Sales!), saying goodbye to schools and friends, and particularly to our house and suburban lifestyle.  In August, I took the girls for our final farewell to our old house.  I don't think Lena understood until that point that we were actually moving... FOREVER, as in, not going back to that house soon.  So, being a cantor, we had a little ceremony of goodbye.
    I took the girls through the empty house, saying goodbye to their empty rooms, the play room, etc.  After they had the experience of seeing everything all gone, we gathered together in the kitchen, and each of us thought of something wonderful that happened in the house, and something we wish we could leave behind with the old house.  For me-- I remembered the happy times with friends over, and the sad times when Lena was so sick in that house.  The girls shared their remembrances and we said a final thank you and goodbye.
   As we drove over to a neighborhood friend's house for a play date (since we're not that far away we actually see our good friends still... which is a terrific thing for all of us), Lena began to cry and scream.  "I DON'T WANT TO MOVE TO NYC!!!  I WANT TO LIVE HERE!!!  I WANT TO GO TO MY OLD SCHOOL!"  and so on and so on.  It wasn't until we said goodbye that the reality hit.  She's still dealing with stress of the move but thankfully is starting to adjust to our city life (more on that another time).
    Transitions in life are hard.  For adults, who understand it-- and I think ever more so for children who have no say in the matter.  Rituals-- this one that we did in the old house-- that confront the reality of a situation, can help.  At least help children understand what's going on.  When we all slept in the apartment for the first time we also said a prayer, the Shehecheyanu prayer, which thanks God for bringing us to this moment in our lives.
   So, now that we are settled and our first High Holy Days are behind us, I will be updating this blog often, sharing my ideas about balance, parenting, Jewish values...  tune in!
xoxo,
Cantor Mia

Mar Cheshvan: Please a little bit of normal would be nice

Hi there, reader, sorry I've been completely MIA...  haha.  Bad joke, sorry.  Actually I've been so busy with first the high holy days, then various personal things that I've just had too much to say on the blog to limit it to an idea for a post.  Like I don't even know where to start!!!

I remember thinking a couple weeks ago... things are busy and stressful but at least my childcare situation is stable.  Then 2 days later my au pair gave notice (by text message!!) that she wanted to find a new family so she could spent less time taking care of kids and more time studying English.  Great.

Then I remember thinking last week... things are busy and stressful but at least I'm not sick!  That would be worse.  Then Friday I came down with a bad cold.  Not to complain about a cold (it could be worse for sure) but it's hard to think and do anything with stuffy ears, sinuses, and dizziness.

So I'm not even going to think about what to be thankful for next because I'm too worried that the next shoe will drop!

Makes me grateful it's the Hebrew month of Cheshvan, the month that Jews call "Mar Cheshvan", the bitter month of Cheshvan, because there are no holidays during the month.  I prefer to think of it as a month of recovery, a month of returning to normalcy, after the extremely busy month of Tishrei (which includes Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur, Sukkot, and Simchat Torah).  Sometimes not having anything special going on, but just the regular things of life, is just what you need.

So my prayer is that this month of Cheshvan not be bitter... but a bit of blandness would be nice.  Normalcy of school/ work/ stability/ health.  Please.  I could really use a little bit of Cheshvan right now!!  Thanks.

I was so good... why did I get "punished" with a bad teacher this year?

I have to thank someone fabulous for this story about elementary school class placement.

Rachel** asked her mom:  "I was so good... why didn't I get the teacher I wanted?  Another girl who's always mean to her mom and isn't nice to the other kids, she got the teacher I wanted!!"  Rachel hugged her mom and broke into tears at the unfairness of it all.  The mom hesitated, not sure how to respond at first, but thought of something I think brilliant to say.  She told her daughter how the school thinks these things through very carefully, and that the other girl must have a strong need for this particular teacher-- that maybe the teacher would show her how to treat other people nicely, even her mom.  Rachel, already a terrific kid who knows these skills, would get something different from the other teacher.  The school had a grand plan worked out so that each student would have a growing experience with a teacher who would meet their particular needs.  And actually, Rachel's teacher is good, and the girls in her class would be terrific classmates and play mates for her!

I thought the mom's response was brilliant-- teaching her daughter that things work out even though sometimes it's not how we want them to right away.  And that things aren't exactly how they may seem when we first find out about them.  The other girl obviously needs to grow and learn how to be a good person-- so she was given an opportunity that Rachel wanted but didn't need.

Rachel felt like she was being unfairly punished, I think.  She had been a "good girl" so she should get the teacher she wants, right??  It was totally unfair!!  My short response (not as thoughtful as the mom's for sure) would have been "life's not fair!!  You've got to learn that at some point."

This got me thinking about fairness generally in the world.  After Lena's diagnosis, I could not believe how unfair it was.  My daughter is this sweet, innocent, "very good" girl, who completely doesn't deserve the "punishment" of life with rheumatoid arthritis.  In the real world outside of elementary school class placement and even B'nai mitzvah date assignments, things happen rather randomly.  That's not to say that I don't believe in God, I just don't believe that God controls which child gets a disease and which child doesn't depending on any kind of moral value of the kid or his/her parents.  God is there for us, supporting and comforting us as we handle things that befall us in our lives.  The God I believe in is a good, loving God-- not one who micromanages my life and the life of my family.  The choices I make are mine (free will!!). And whatever genes/ environmental factors that caused Lena's arthritis weren't controlled by God.

I'll leave the micromanaging to my school district.  And know that whatever kindergarten class Lena's in will be a great one for her because they take every child's needs into consideration and place them with the perfect teacher...  or just because she'll be fine regardless.  :)

** name changed

Thou shalt not... be a 'meanie'

At what age would you think you have to start dealing with "mean girl" stuff with kids?  For us the topic came up in the 4's (a little early I thought... but you gotta address it when they're thinking about it, right?)

One girl in Lena's preschool class started acting mean towards Lena... I'm not sure what she did.  But it changed Lena from wanting lots of play dates with her to coming home all upset that she had been mean to her.  How to best respond to this?

I told Lena that she shouldn't play with her if the other girl was being mean.  I definitely think that everyone should be able to choose their friends-- you don't have to be friends with everybody, especially if they don't treat you the way you want to be treated.  But that you always treat people nicely, so she shouldn't be mean back.  (whatever being mean "means" when you're 4 and 5).  The girl isn't going to kindergarten with Lena so I thought the whole thing was over, but when we saw her at a birthday party this weekend Lena got all upset again.  She wouldn't say hello to the girl and the girl was staring at her across the birthday cake table.  I felt a definite preview of middle school.

It reminded me of a great story that I told at a summer Tot Shabbat this past week.  After a long rainy day and then the sun peeking through I wanted to tell a Noah story, and found the perfect one in a little story book I have called Does God have a Big Toe? by Marc Gellman.  The story is about the birds nesting in Noah's ark, and how the brightly colored birds are mean to the black raven and the white dove.  The raven makes a choice to leave the ark and never come back-- not sharing that he found land with the other birds who are stuck on the ark.  When the dove is sent, she finds the raven but decides to brave the trip back to let everyone know that land has been sighted.  When they don't believe her she leaves the ark in tears, to seek proof of the land-- an olive leaf.  The other birds finally think again about their bad behavior, forming a brightly colored bird-rainbow to guide the dove back to the ark.

A great story about choosing to do the right thing and treat others how you would be treated.  The brightly colored birds have a chance to make t'shuvah-- to repent, say they're sorry, and then do the right thing the next time.  They stop being "meanies" and put themselves in the other birds' place.  What a great way for kids to begin to think about how the other kid might be feeling, the beginning of empathy (which so many of us adults have trouble with too).

A day in the life of Mommy/ Cantor Mia

I found today to be rather comical in how much stuff I did as Mommy/ Cantor Mia.  Hope this makes you smile too in its insanity.  

5:45 am  Lena comes in to our bedroom.  Josh sends her back to bed then goes to work on Rosh Hashanah sermon in his study.  He has to go back to work today after a 3 month sabbatical  :(  :(

6:15  Mikaela starts crying... not sure why but she wants out of her crib.  Mommy gets up, makes a cup of coffee and gets her up.  Lena gets up too.

6:30  It's "princess dress-up day" at camp so we all go down to the play room and select the best princess outfit for camp.  Lena goes thru multiple changes, Mikaela too (this leads to crying later when she discovers princess day is only at Lena's camp and not hers!!).  Mommy still nursing a cup of coffee.  Lena chooses "Rapunzel" costume-- so did a couple other friends apparently (see photo!).

6:45  Breakfast/ get dressed for camp/ potty time/ Lena's arthritis shot/ Mommy has 2nd cup of coffee, running around making sure all is ready for the day for the girls.  Thankfully Mommy packed backpacks last night!

8 Au pair comes up stairs!  Thank you for our au pair!!!  She does sunscreen and final camp prep for girls while Mommy goes for a half hour run outside.



8:40  Stretches for Lena and Mommy (Mikaela tries too).  Off to the JCC with Mikaela.  Bus comes for Princess Lena.

9 drop off Mikaela at JCC, run into friend who says she's pregnant with her 3rd.  I know a 3rd kid will throw me over the edge... but I still feel that twinge.  Go away twinge!!!

9:30 found time for a shower and breakfast for me.  Make ophthalmologist appointment for Mikaela for tomorrow.  Call to check in on Dad who had 5th chemo session this week (he's doing great thankfully!). Get dressed for work, 3rd cup of coffee on way to...

11-4:45  Cantor Mia has marathon Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur cue meeting with wonderful WRT colleagues.  At around 4:15 completely lose it and need 4th cup of coffee... get chocolate instead.  Good thing went for a run this morning.

(5pm au pair takes girls to Caramour for an au pair event... Mommy has already organized picnic lunch/ blanket/ money/ directions/ etc.)

5:11 write this blog, catch up on phone calls

6:30-7:30 Cantor Mia meets and greets with b'nai mitzvah families.  Mommy hopes to get home before kids go to bed tonight because Mommy worked late last night and when that happens kids always get up too early (see 5:45 am this morning)

8pm I'm projecting this because it's 5:13 while I'm typing: Say goodnight to girls, get glass of wine and fall down on couch to watch olympics.  Hope Josh has some idea about dinner because I don't have it in me today!  I think I was supposed to meet friends for drinks tonight...  hmm.

Summer Camp!

Everything has been so lazy lately... I love summertime.  Always have loved summer, even when I was a girl it was my favorite season!  I love the heat, the swimming, the relaxing time off... and especially CAMP.


I grew up going to a Jewish overnight camp called Capital Camps which was fed largely by Washington DC-area Jews.  I LIVED for going to this camp every summer.  I loved the music, the friends, being on my own, and tho I didn't know it until later, the "living Judaism" part of camp.  By this I mean the Hebrew songs and names of buildings/ activites/ etc that taught me an immense amount of Hebrew without my stepping foot into a classroom.  I loved the week shaped by Shabbat, how we set the day aside from the rest of the week as a holy day-- we all wore white, had special fun services outdoors, and spent much of Saturday relaxing by the pool.  I credit my camp experience with putting me on the path to Jewish leadership which I am following today.

Lena, at 5, is going to a real day camp for the first summer.  Today was visiting day and I enjoyed so much seeing how she spends her time outside at the camp, learning to swim, watching rockets filed with "squinkies" being launched into the sky... eating on picnic benches under the trees for cookout.  During this cookout, I looked over and some kids were having cheese sandwiches instead of hamburgers and hotdogs.  I startled for a second, thinking-- how at camp could they be mixing milk and meat????  Then of course I reminded myself that this wasn't a Jewish camp.  Oops!  :)

When the time comes to choose Lena's overnight camp (if I can be apart from her for that long!!!) there's no doubt in my mind tho that she'll go to a Jewish camp, most likely one of the URJ (Union for Reform Judaism) camps like Camp Eisner in the Berkshires.  Perhaps even next summer our family will go and volunteer for a few weeks to give her and Mikaela a taste of Jewish overnight camp.  After all, their parents met at another URJ camp-- Kutz Camp-- 11 summers ago.  I'm not concerned about my kids' Jewish identities (kids of a rabbi and a cantor!) but I don't want either of them to miss the Jewish camp experience either.

If you're thinking of a camp for your child consider one of the Reform Movement's camps-- or any other Jewish camp-- and consider it an investment your child's Jewish future. Even if they don't turn out to be a rabbi or a cantor, you'll help them create a positive Jewish identity and have a great time doing it.

A cantor in yoga

I missed doing my blog last week, sorry about that.  I also missed teaching my Tuesday b’nai mitzvah students… sorry to them too!  Got that dreaded call from your babysitter with the kid screaming in the background.  My little one (my healthy child!!!) fell on a ride-on toy down the stairs at a friend’s house, needs to go to the ER to make sure all okay.  So much for work that day, and my sanity the rest of the week! 

The next day, before taking her to the ophthalmologist (all’s okay, just a bad bump and black eye, see pic), I managed to sneak in a run outside.  As I ran, I thought to myself, “wow Mia, this has been an interesting 6 months.”  Lena’s diagnosis, not to mention my dad’s cancer/ kidney failure, now Mikaela’s fall and various other stresses.  It’s amazing that I’m holding it all together.  Becoming a mom has made me stronger than I thought possible (cue the Kelly Clarkson in the background…)

But seriously, I’m not sure how I’ve kept my head.  I was trying to figure this out while running, then I realized that it WAS the exercise that has been helping me.  I’ve been practicing yoga for a little over a year at Sage Yoga in Armonk, as well as doing various cardio workouts like running, spinning, whatever, and trying to eat healthy food.  I may have little control over what happens health-wise to my kids, but I CAN control how I treat my own body.  And I have definitely felt the benefits of all the exercise, beyond feeling fairly prepared for bathing suit season this summer.

The body is a holy vessel, and the miracles of the body working are celebrated every morning in our liturgy.  The prayer asher yatzar speaks of how God formed the human body with skill, with pathways and openings, and that if any one of these were to malfunction, we’d be unable to live anymore.  The nisim b’chol yom (daily miracles) list the wonders we feel at awakening to physical life.  At our WRT clergy retreat yesterday, one of our new Rabbis, Marcus Burstein, led us in a physical practice of these daily miracles, using some yoga poses and some creative movements inspired by the theme of each blessing.  Sharing Shabbat families… can’t wait to share this kavannah with you in the coming year.

Practicing yoga has definitely been a growing experience for me.  I feel much more aware of how I move (I can even tell right from left now… most of the time), and I’m physically much stronger, more flexible, and I stand up straighter.  As a cantor, it’s been interesting for me to experience a new “spiritual” practice as well.  With all the Sanskrit names and chanting, I felt completely lost, giving me some insight into how non-Hebrew speakers may feel when the enter a synagogue for the first time.  This past week my teacher led a healing practice for her son who had unfortunately received a bad diagnosis.  We prayed for him by going through 25 sun salutations for his 25^th birthday the next day.  The meditation left me sore and emotional—at the same moment we were doing this my dad, who’s 75, was getting a chemotherapy treatment.  And my daughter, who’s 5, was having a rough day with her arthritis.  The practice seemed made for all of their healing, for the son we all held in our hearts and also my family members.  But how different from what kind of healing prayers I’m used to!!!   I’m still processing how to apply this to my Cantorate.  Ideas/ comments welcome of course!

Spark of the divine in all of us

I wanted to post this picture Lena drew of herself a few months ago.  The first image is how she felt when her arthritis was active.  The second image is how she feels now.  Our rheumatologist has this drawing hanging in her office to show other kids with arthritis.  :)  Lena has been such a trooper through everything, having the best attitude and never complaining (well at least since she started her immuno-suppressive therapy and can move again).  We are very proud of her and also very happy and relieved that she feels like the 2nd image that she drew.

A side note:  we'd just had a fabulous trip to Disney when she drew this picture, hence the Minnie Mouse ears and bow I think.

Being a parent involves so much more than I thought before becoming a mom.  Today we had Lena's special services meeting with our school district team to determine services for next year.  The meeting went really well in my opinion.  I consider myself lucky that we live in the Byram Hills school district and Lena will be cared for as well as she will be next year.

The meeting required numerous "pre-meetings," evaluations, discussions, etc, as any parent with a kid who receives services will know.  It can also be extremely emotional.  One mom I know confided in me that her husband cries at these meetings for their child every year.  I can understand why.  When you have a child your heart somehow lives outside your body!  And then to hear all the committee members discussing him or her and the deficits/ problems they have... it's incredibly hard.  There's also the line you want to walk with getting your child the services they need vs. letting them be as unrestricted and mainstreamed as possible.  Where that line is can be hard for everyone to agree on.  And then there's the difficulty that you have to label your child as a kid with a "disability".  Complicated on all fronts I think, though in Lena's case her services have more to do with supporting her physical development (not academic) and ability to navigate the school safely.

The Torah teaches us, in part of the "Holiness Code:"  "You shall not insult the deaf, or place a stumbling block before the blind.  You shall fear your God:  I am the Lord" (Leviticus 19:14).  I see this verse relating to how all of us treat other children with special needs.  I'm incredibly proud of Lena in how she has befriended kids of all sorts in preschool.  She has a friend who has some delays, and she told me that he doesn't talk very much so "it's okay, I just give him lots of hugs instead."  This I believe is part of Lena's character intrinsically, but it's also part of the Jewish values that we teach her.  People come in all shapes, sizes, and abilities.  All of us have a bit of God inside of us, and everyone deserves love, respect, and the ability to grow and thrive.  It's my hope that all of us, no matter in what circumstances we live, embrace the differences in the people around us, and let that spark of the divine in all of us shine forth.

Thoughts on ballet recitals and Lena's illness

It's been awhile since my last post...  apologies!

Saturday was Lena's ballet recital.  Our family had a special joy this year watching her dance, skip, twirl, and leap across the stage.  I think all of us there this weekend had tears in our eyes, thankful for this special moment in her and our lives.

 Five months ago Lena was lying in a hospital bed in NYC, in so much pain she was unable to move, on the second full week of fevers and a bizarre body-wide rash.  She seemed at that point to be getting worse and worse, unable even to turn over in bed or walk to the bathroom, getting sicker and sicker with the fevers.

It took about a week into her hospitalization for us to determine that this illness was the onset of systemic juvenile idiopathic arthritis-- SJIA.  Luckily we were at Columbia where the pediatric rheumatology department is excellent and they were able to diagnose her.  She soon started a biologic immune-suppressant drug which we inject in her arm daily (still... and for at least the near future), which has literally given her back her life.  I am so thankful to the doctors at Columbia, particularly to her rheumatologist Dr. Lisa Imundo, and to the Arthritis Foundation who funded and the scientists who created the medicine she is on.  Five or ten years ago her prognosis would definitely not have been so good, and we probably would not have been watching her dance so gleeful at the recital this weekend.

When I became a parent, I was expecting to feel an immense amount of love-- and I have, at times being completely overwhelmed by the emotion and the wonder of these little people who are my children.  But when Lena was sick I also discovered the flip side, the immense lows, the enormous amount of pain a parent can feel when your child is in pain, is so sick that you question if the future ahead of them is the one you had dreamed of until just that moment.  Back in December we weren't sure if Lena would walk, if she'd go back to school.  Thankfully she's doing so well you wouldn't even know that she has arthritis unless you looked VERY carefully.  Thankfully she has the most indomitable spirit of anyone I know.  She certainly bounced back from her 8-day hospital stay faster than either of her parents did.  :)

I would question, why did this happen to my family?  My daughter is the sweetest, most innocent, loving child-- how could she be the one ending up with a chronic debilitating disease?  I still don't know the answer to these questions.  But I have come to some sort of acceptance that not everything is under our control, or even under God's control.  Things happen-- genes/ nature/ randomness, whatever you want to call it.  God empowers us to have the strength to deal with life's situations the best we can, to love with our entire beings and to accept the truth that life is precious, short, and incredibly valuable.  It is our task as parents and human beings to be thankful for the time and the love that we have and to try to leave the world a better place for our having been here.

What's in a name?

I recently have been getting a lot of questions about baby names, and baby naming ceremonies.  Maybe this is just the time in my life when my friends are having babies and as the clergy person nearby, I'm a good person to ask!  Or maybe it's because I'm teaching a class on pregnancy, birth, bris and baby namings in a couple weeks (come if you are local to Scarsdale!).  So, how do you come up with a name for your child? (this isn't a picture of my child, by the way)

Ashkenazic Jews traditionally name in memory of relatives that have passed away.  This custom developed out of a superstition-- but I actually think that the idea of honoring the memory of a person whom you loved that is no longer with us is very sweet.  You connect your future with your past and the characteristics of the person you loved. Sephardic Jews, by the way, name after both living relatives and deceased relatives.

We used same first-letters and similar sounding names to name our girls after beloved grandparents.  Lena (Helena Beth) is named after Josh's grandmother Helen and my grandmother Betty.  Mikaela Benjie is after my great-uncle Mac and grandmother Clara (Kayla) and Josh's grandfather Benjamin.  I like to tell Lena stories about her great-grandmother, whom I was so close to growing up, and connect her to her maternal line.  She also loves that the engagement ring I wear belonged to her papa's mommy, whom she was named after!!  As they grow we can tell both of our girls about the relatives we loved, what we remember about them, and their qualities that we hope will continue on in our children.  We thought of parallel Hebrew names at the same time-- Chana Batya for Lena and Michaela Binyamina for Mikaela. 

Not everybody names in this way, though.  Often couples will give their child an English name and not a Hebrew one for years later.  They may keep the same "parallel" name (Rachel... Rakheil for example) or they may come up with something totally different, either honoring the memory of a deceased (perhaps newly) relative, or picking a quality of their child and giving them a meaningful Hebrew name.  One friend of mine named her daughter "B'racha" in Hebrew, which had nothing to do with her English name, but because she was a "blessing" to be born after the mom suffered from devastating miscarriages. Another waited until some grandparents had passed away, only then giving the child a name after relatives who had the blessing to have known her. 

However you think of your child's name, it's a big responsibility, something that they will carry around with them their whole life (if they don't change it on you!).  Looking for a Jewish baby name?  Check out this search feature on kveller.com:   http://kveller.com/jewish_baby_names/